Unemployed

A significant part of how I present, and thus define, myself is a work-outside the home mom. I have a career that happens in a corporate world and I balance that with parenting my children. 

I work really hard at it. 

Daily. 

I also have not been shy about expressing how deeply fulfilled I was during my 4 months being home working exclusively inside the home when Ava was an infant. The daily tasks of care-taking for my family left me with a great sense of belonging, warmth and satisfaction. 

And I was ready to return to my career. 

I actually thrive in chaos. I probably create some of it for myself.

I like to be busy. I like to have projects. I like to have plans to look forward to. 

Yesterday was my last day at work. 

This has been something I've been aware of and planning for. It is something that is very good for me and my career and I'm now in a new stage of life. 

The last time I was unemployed it was the 3 months following my wedding in late 2008. 

I'm in a very different phase of life now. 

And I have big decisions to make. About where I go next, how I follow my dreams and plans for my work outside the home. And about how I best spend my time now. 

Because honestly, this morning I came back from shuttling kids around for an hour, made myself a cup of coffee and sat on my couch watching Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. 

And it felt great. 

And I spent the afternoon chatting with a friend, making us lunch, and chatting some more.

And it was awesome. 

And now I'm planning on making another cup of coffee and watching TV until I have to pick Ava up and I'm excited. 

BUT

I also keep swiping to check my email that's not there. 

And I'm wondering how work is going today.

And I'm curious about how candidates I sourced and brought in did on interviews and who they're going to hire.

And I want to know how it goes when managers have career development convos that I teed up for them with their employees next week. 

And...

I'm still very connected to my work self. 

This isn't vacation. I know I deserve a ramp down, and I can spend some time sliding down that ramp to see what's at the bottom and relax a little. But I have to keep moving forward. 

So as the world literally swirls around outside my house, and I watch the basketball hoop stay steady and upright in the 20+ mph winds, I think about myself and stepping back out there. 

But right now, I'll sit in this in-between zone and let myself feel a little detached for a moment.

I worked hard for it.